Still recovering from the U.S. Air Guitar Championships. The midwest regionals were held last night at the Triple Rock Social Club, a grungy Twin Cities watering hole. Sponsored by Air Guitar USA the event drew ten competitors and a respectable crowd. Its name may engender a grin, but the masterminds behind the contest consider it serious business. Grand prize is a trip to the national finals in Los Angeles, June 17th. The winner there advances on to the 9th World Championships in Oulu, Finland. Other locales represented include Chicago (6/3), Denver (6/10) and New York (6/12) [that’s tomorrow, Phil!] Second and third place finishers win Toshiba TVs.
Rules are very specific & thorough. Two heats. The first allows for the freedom of song choice. The second narrows the pool in half and puts the contestants at the mercy of song selected by the ‘celebrity’ judges, of which there are three. Score criteria includes: style, appearance, energy, technique and an appropriately indefinable wildcard attribute “Airness”. 25 bucks and a 60-second edit of a song for the first round gets you in. Free wrist sweatbands provided at the door (I chose day-glo yellow). I was on the fence about entering (“Crazy Train” was my song pic) and ultimately bowed out- glad I did as my humble licks couldn’t have competed with the guy who eventually earned the crown.
The contest kicked off with Bob the Fucking Murderer, a poor man’s Johnny Rotten with orange spiked hair & leather spiked collars to match, who had been getting good & liquored up for hours prior & took the surliness of his obvious source of inspiration to another level. His version of The Dictators’ “Who Will Save Rock & Roll?” featured minimal ‘guitar’ but lots of flailing about, spitting beer, smashing bottles, mics, mic stands & basically anything within reach to the uproarious approval from the crowd & visible chagrin of the organizers. Next up the utterly amateur Jenny Pentrix, decked in suede fringe jacket, cig hanging lazily from lower lip, doing a lame-ass version of her namesake’s “Come On, Baby”. Polite, but tepid applause followed.
The enigmatic Jackicaster stepped up after & gave the crowd it’s first taste of brilliance to the tune of Billy Squier’s “Stroke This.” Zippered orange jumpsuit, white boy ‘fro, patriotic headband, milkfed gut & a killer Lemmy moustache combined with a mime’s flair for the nuances of his imaginary axe, he oozed cheap sex & taunted the crowd with flamboyant kicks, struts & a devil may care attitude, looking suspiciously like he’d just been properly serviced by a groupie before taking the stage. Forgettable contestants followed his formidable lead with predictable Led Zeppelin (“Heartbreaker”, “Rock & Roll”) and AC/DC (“You Shook Me”) covers.
Swami, another Hendrix disciple this time at least looking the part, played a strong minimalist card on “All Along the Watchtower,” his healthy afro & laidback affect working as his only winsome attributes. Lasch Man Standing represented for the speed metal crowd, sporting a mullet wig, nylon backed baseball cap, and an exemplary application of the power chord straddle stance. Half the contestants appeared to be playing ukeleles, hands mere inches apart on their invisible frets and showing a sometimes wince-inducing disregard for the virtual parameters of their ‘instruments’.
But the best of the bunch was hands-down Mother Rucker, a guy who looked a near spitting image of Ian Astbury of The Cult. He chose Queen’s “Stone Cold Crazy” as his opening number & worked the crowd into a frenzy, leaping from the monitors, spinning windmills, playing with his teeth, flicking his tongue and licking the neck of his fictional lightning stick.
The final round weeded the crop down to five with each taking a stab at Ted Nugent’s “Cat Scratch Fever.” Jackocaster and Rucker finished out in a well-deserved two-way tie, only to face each other down in a jam-off over AC/DC “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock & Roll). And it’s here that the contest turned transcendental, with the two battling and teaming to goad the crowd to ever-increasing heights of adulation. My personal favorite move: a dual beer bottle and wine bottle slide guitar riff by Rucker who felt so inspired he shucked down to his skivvies, climbed the balcony bar and dove head first into the crowd below. That ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ willingness garnered him first prize. All of the contestants and judges to hit the stage one more time for a grand finale roof-raiser with several opting for other ‘air’ instruments including drums, bass and keyboards.
Outside, after the show a documentary film crew was filming the proceedings for an upcoming movie. As I was leaving I overheard them interviewing a contestant and came away with possibly the best quote of the evening. After asked whether he had signed his release, the contestant replied “oh, you mean that piece of paper that says I won’t be getting paid for whatever I say?”
Posted by derek on June 11, 2004 4:00 PMCool piece, Derek. But as you were representing Bagatellen (with the bag t-shirt and everything, we're all naturally a bit let down that there's no photo of you in the winner's circle, invisible Strat high above your head...
Posted by: walto at June 12, 2004 11:51 AMThanks, Walt. The competition was pretty fierce & my paltry licks wouldn’t have stood up in the larger scheme (even with a monumental epic like the Osbourne/Rhodes reading of “Crazy Train” in my corner). A trip to Finland to rawk against the world class masters of the idiom would’ve been nice though. But what I really want to know is did Phil represent in NYC @ the Knit?
What, nobody elected to shred on "Sister Ray"?
Posted by: Joe at June 14, 2004 11:15 AMNope. There seems to be a strong underlying adherence to the 'butt-rock' aesthetic at these events. Reed, Cale & crew carry a bit too much of a weirdo Bohemian vibe for proper consideration.
Posted by: derek at June 14, 2004 1:29 PMWell, if the concentration is on the likes of AC/DC, Queen and Billy Squier, I feel confident that homophobia does not run rampant at these air-offs.
Posted by: Joe Milazzo at June 14, 2004 2:27 PMJoe, I caught no signs of homophobia at the Twin Cities event... in fact the blending/demolishing of sexual hang-ups seemed outright encouraged in all the mayhem. Also, the Air Guitar USA rulebook explicitly prohibits any sort of prejudicial bias on the basis of race, gender, creed, sexual identity, etc.
Here are two overlapping definitions of “butt rock” from the online Urban Dictionary:
“Any rock or hard rock band from 1983 to 1990 that wore spandex and wailed about chicks & cars. Also, hair was either mullet or highly gooed with hairspray. Glacier washed denim and leather were the fashion of butt rock.”
“Butt rock is any Heavy Metal music from the eighties that is so horrible that it is both hysterical and hella rad at the same time. These bands usually have amazingly ugly members who wear exceedinly tight pants big hair and make up.”
And a ‘greatest hits’ of the idiom from a bbs:
AC/DC: Back in Black, You Shook Me All Night Long, Highway to Hell
Scorpions: Rock You Like a Hurricane, No One Like You, Big City Nights
Van Halen: Ice Cream Man, Eruption/You Really Got Me,Cradle Will Rock
Guns 'n' Roses: Sweet Child of Mine, Paradise City, Welcome to the Jungle
Bon Jovi: Bad Medicine, You Give Love a Bad Name, Blaze of Glory
White Snake: Slide It In, Would I Lie to You
Motley Crue: Dr. Feelgood
Kiss: Lick It Up
Winger: Seventeen
Great White: Once Bitten, Twice Shy
Aerosmith: Love in an Elevator
Iron Maiden: The Trooper
Sammy Hagar: Little White Lies
Tesla: Edison's Medicine
Cinderella: Gypsy Road
Quiet Riot: Band Your Head
Warrant: Down Boys
Mr. Big: Addicted to That Rush
Slaughter: Up All Night, Sleep All Day
Ballads:
Scorpions: Send Me an Angel, Still Loving You, Wind of Change
Mr. Big: Wild World, To Be With You, Just Take My Heart
Extreme: More Than Words, Hole Hearted,
Tesla: Love Song, Signs
Firehouse: When I Look Into Your Eyes, I Live My Life For You
Van Halen: Can't Stop Loving You
Whitesnake: Here I Go Again On My Own
Bad English: When I See You Smile
Where the hell is Phil?
I just got a 3-CD Scorpions best-of in the mail the other day, and have been rocking it (like a hurricane) ever since.
I didn't make the NYC tourney. I seriously considered it, but things didn't get underway until 11 PM, which made it impossible (gotta be able to catch a train back to NJ afterwards, y'know).
Posted by: phil at June 15, 2004 2:18 PMHi, my name is Jodi and I am a casting producer for ABC's hit show Wife Swap. I am excited to announce that we are currently seeking families for our 4th season with one or more members who love to air guitar!
Would you or someone you know be interested in applying?
The premise of Wife Swap is simple: two moms from two different families get the opportunity to swap places for one week to experience what it's like to live a different lifestyle - and to see what they can teach each other about their own!
Potential families can live anywhere in the United States. Families must consist of two parents that have at least one child, age 6 or older. Families on the show will receive $20,000 honorarium. If you recommend a great family that ends up on our show, ABC pays you a finders fee of $1,000.
TO apply, email me ASAP with a family description and phone number at 646-747-7958.
~Jodi
Jodi Friedman
Casting Producer
ABC TV/ RDF Media
New York, NY
646-747-7958
jodi.friedman@rdfusa.com
I've been working on "air-Mac-ing" and "air-empty-sampling". Not sure if that'll work for you.
Posted by: Brian Olewnick at June 6, 2007 11:53 AMPlus you and Linda are sans bratty kids, a key component in Wife Swap's status as a Nielsen ratings behemoth.
Presently being spouseless, I am an even less viable candidate for the coveted selection process. But that depressing reality is not hindering me from sharpening my Air Guitar chops for the upcoming annual regionals here in two weeks time. Still on the fence between Bad Brains "Fearless Vampire Killers" and "At the Movies", but confident that a choice of either will carry me to the crown.
Posted by: derek at June 6, 2007 12:24 PMI'll be doing a complete rendition of "Potato Lettuce" from the David Grubbs Table of the Elements disc. Can't wait, can ya?
I am also available as a surrogate husband for any ladies who like their David Grubbs with air guitar.
Posted by: clifford at June 6, 2007 9:04 PM.................................................. © 2003 - 2006 bagatellen ..................................................